Kinda Funny Vol. 2 (Boiling in the summer in the city and Harvesting in the autumn in the city)

So many things are boiling inside of me. But I'm not quite sure what. It's like I'm looking for something or someone or you. Because I think it's you, because I feel I feel you. And I see it in my dreams, almost every night. And I paint my lips black so I'll stand out of the crowd hoping you'll stand out for me too. But maybe, you're not there, and maybe I've picked you because I know you aren't there. And maybe I'm still that lone wolf who has chosen a life of battle 'cause I won't settle for all those fish in the sea. Or maybe I've picked you because you liked all my questions and stories (or maybe I'm just fooling myself by telling me I had a pick). Because you saw a part of me that nobody else would or could. Because I'm the girl who will still write even if there is no more ink in her pen (and trust me, I found a way). Even if I won't allow myself to write love poems for you.

Because I feel like I've loved you most of my life and I don't want to love you anymore, 'cause you're almost never actually there for me to love. But I wish you were here for me to love you properly.

Because I've got all this love to give. And it's all for you. I just hope you dream of me too. And I also hope in some way, you're writting about me, too.
     

(And probably, all that is just a huge fantasy I needed to make up)

So here you have it, all this love I mentioned before, I now release to the universe as a gift for your soul, to keep you warm, or as a star so all of your dreams come true. Because, it's not about me. And now I see how painless it is to gift this selfless love, not to hold it prisoner inside me or make myself prisoner of it, and how free it makes me feel to give it away. Because when I give someone something as I gift, I don't expect anything in return, I just want to make that person happy (whatever that might be).

And it's kinda funny how I've just lernt (or re-lernt) a LOT of things about love (about the love I want to give and recibe) while I wrote this. A love that is not about possession or ego, but about care, and freedom, and compromise in a good way. Let's all wipe out that "knowledge" that compromising is like enslavement, I think it's more about giving yourself permission to care, to give, and when done with the right person (or people) it just comes back at you as big as you allowed yourself to give it; so there you see, there's no actual reason to be afraid. You'll never lose your freedom or yourself with someone who actually wishes to see you happy; you just need to trust your intuition that you're choosing the right person to trust, a person who won't ever hurt you on purpose nor want you to be someone you're not. I mean, I've been there, I unluckely once chose someone who didn't actually loved me, who just "loved" some parts of me, and the rest, my freedom, was a threat to "our" love. Someone who didn't value my dreams, someone that made me feel he was my only chance of love, ever. And it hurt a lot, and it was so hard to see that was a lie, but also so freeing to know that was a lie (because, if that was all the love I would ever get, then I guess I wouldn't want any love at all).

To sum up, let's never let the hurt be in vain, let's learn. Let's beat the fear of being harmed again. And let's trust and love ourselves as much as we can, so that then, we can also do it with others. And hopefully, the world will become this massive and beautiful expanssion of healthy love (a girl can dream, right?).

P.D.: Wow, hacía mucho que no escribía tanto en inglés, fue un tocaso difícil (y puede ser que tenga errores, sorry).

P.D.2: La primera parte es como un relato medio poético, pero ya lo último es una reflexión de cosas que he aprendido del amor en general, del amor del enamorarse y amar a alguien, y de estar en una relación, y un poco etc. Si no saben inglés y de casualidad tienen ganas de saber que dice, me pueden escribir y se los traduzco lo mejor posible.

P.D.3: "Boiling in the summer in the city" está inspirado en el título de una canción de Regina Spektor (quien por cierto es mi cantente fav ever).

P.D.4: Y no se dan una idea del viaje que fue escribir todo esto, la primera parte la escribí en el verano (a mano), y ahora pasándola y leyéndola de nuevo fue como "ah re", y me empecé a hacer muchas preguntas, y darme cuenta de un montón de cosas, y lo súper agradezco! Agradezco siempre darme el espacio para cuestionarme, para transformar mis creencias, para transmutar yo, para que también otras personas puedan cuestionarme (desde lo constructivo y con amor, obvio) cosas que digo, o que creo, y haber aprendido que eso no es un ataque hacia mi persona, sino que me están invitando a pensar, e incluso tal vez a cambiar, a ser una mejor versión de mí. ¿Qué cosa hay mejor que eso? Así que bueno, en fin, gracias, gracias, gracias!!